Okay, so it’s not just me, right? I’m just gonna put it out there. It’s not meant to be a vent, but more of an observation – so please read it through that “lens” if you will.
Sometimes it can be either a blessing or a pain to try and give a true answer to the standard American greeting, “How are you doing?” Especially when it has just been “one of those days”, and the inquiry is paired with a concerned scrunch of the brow, a shoulder rub, and a knowledge that your Mother recently passed away and you’re trying to plan a wedding about 3-months-and-8-hours-south-of-my-current-locale away. But then if people don’t acknowledge it, it feels like, “Why aren’t they saying anything about that smelly, fat elephant in the room?” Ugh, let’s simplify it, let me share with you here the latest and not so greatest, but real deal answer.
Honestly, friends, it can be a moment-by-moment or day-by-day fluctuating thing. Mom went back home to Jesus only 7 short weeks ago. Mike and I left my grieving Father and came back to Dallas about 3 1/2 weeks ago. It’s obviously still very fresh, mainly uncharted territory, stumbling along on the vast tundra of grieving. Even though I don’t see the end in sight, and I don’t know when the ache will lessen, I know that she is eternally happy and where she is supposed to be. That knowledge doesn’t dull the heartbreak, it just puts it into an eternal perspective that can bring peace.
My Mom was a fantastic Mother, and it’s still hard to be at peace with the fact that she won’t physically be present at our wedding…holding the children we hope to have…helping me pick out color schemes for our future home…etc. Of course I know that she is with me and no longer bound by space and time, among the Saints specially interceding for me and all of our needs. Some days that is a comfort, and some days it still makes me weep, to be completely honest for those who have been wondering how I’m doing.
The more I travel along this part of my journey, the more that I discover what a tricky thing grieving is. I can talk and laugh about a memory of Mom one night, and the next morning I can bust into tears at the thought of shopping for Bridesmaids dresses without her. But I love a conversation that I was blessed by this week, with a Nun that I have never met up in New York.
I had that blessed conversation via phone with this Religious Sister about work-related things; and before I knew it, we began sharing from our hearts. I confessed that my Mother had recently passed away, and she began to comfort me by just being herself. She had such a beautiful spirit…I could even tell that through the phone. Her words of compassion, based on experience from losing her Mom, and filled with wisdom, brought such love to my little wounded heart. God continues to show me that even though I can’t imagine where He will send blessings to me from, He still does. It can be a total “stranger” or a trusted friend, and anyone in between.
I am still navigating through this, but learning how to better utilize the tools I’ve been given, and to lean into an incredible support system all around me. By God’s grace, we will continue to move forward. It has been a long and hard week for me, I won’t say that it wasn’t. The wedding planning is still slow and ardous right now, wrestling with vendors and what not to get some of the major decisions nailed down. There is tons of new ground work being laid in every single area of my life, all at once. Yes, I get overwhelmed at times. All I know is that I am in good hands. That much I know. Oh, and I also know that God will not lead me into something that will be detrimental to me – He wants good things for me, as His child.
Thank you again for asking how I am, whether it be via email, Facebook, text, a card, or through your prayers – please don’t stop. Just realize that one day I might smile and say, “good”, while the next I may give a little more melancholic expression with a, “hanging in there.” I truly am a mix of both my parents, with the smiling-optimistic Mom part of me, and the more passionate-melancholic side from my Dad. Thank you, God, for finally sending me a man who can truly handle both my ying and my yang, and still loves me because of them, not despite them.
The real key to all of this is said so perfectly in this Matt Maher song. I found this video on YouTube – the editing may appear a little rough in some spots, and the song, “Letting Go”, is longer and even more meaningful; but the horses have a lot of significance for me and it’s a beautiful short.