Four months in, scouring hundreds of job postings, and too many resumes to keep track of has brought me to my first job interview since “the split”. Business casual…tomorrow afternoon…office in Irving… Don’t go breaking out the bubbly yet – read on. I sent my resume to a Monster.com posting for a Marketing Rep last week, and as it turns out when they say Marketing, well they really mean Sales. If you know anything about my recent experience in Sales, well, you may understand why I am now turning to George Constanza for advice. Moreover, when it said Energy Solutions in the company name it wasn’t so much about energy in the traditional sense, but more in saving it through the purchase of some pricey windows and doors. And when they mean pay, well, it’s all commission darling.
In the meantime, God has been my best boss ever, and has been steadily sending me work. I have been doing some Independent Marketing Consulting and Freelance Writing. Anything from Press Releases to Webcontent, and having a blast the whole time. Working in my new office, aka the Patio, is my new favorite especially since the commute is so short. Definitely beats a fluorescent-lit cage, er uh cube, hands down.
Regardless, I believe that in order to truly know if a door should close, you must make the effort to become well informed. So I consider tomorrow a fact-finding mission. If nothing else, it will be good practice in polishing my skills when presenting myself. In order to prepare for an event of this magnitude, who else to turn to besides George Costanza?! I hope this will squeeze a laugh from your lungs, yet also hope it will not inspire you to adopt a new work ethic! Sit back in your favorite chair, grab a cold beverage, and prepare to be inspired by George Costanza’s Rules For Working
Rule No. 1 – Never walk without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Rule No. 2 – Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat, and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss — and you will get caught — your best defence is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
Rule No. 3 – Keep a messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
Rule No. 4 – Use voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing — they call because they want you to do work for them. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice-mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there — it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
Rule No. 5 – Look impatient & annoyed. One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
Rule No. 6 – Leave the office late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important e-mail at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 p.m., 7:05 a.m., etc.) and during public holidays.
Rule No. 7 – Use sighing for effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
Rule No. 8 – Opt for the stacking strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
Rule No. 9 – Build your vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember; they don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
Rule No. 10 – Don’t get caught. MOST IMPORTANT: Don’t forward this to your boss by mistake!